VALENTINE To do what?
SPEED To be a spokesman from Madam Silvia.
VALENTINE To whom?
SPEED To yourself. Why, she woos you by a figure.
VALENTINE What figure?
SPEED By a letter, I should say.
VALENTINE Why, she hath not writ to me!
SPEED What need she, when she hath made you write to yourself? Why, do you not perceive the jest?
VALENTINE No, believe me.
SPEED No believing you indeed, sir. But did you perceive her earnest?
VALENTINE She gave me none, except an angry word.
SPEED Why, she hath given you a letter.
VALENTINE That’s the letter I writ to her friend.
SPEED And that letter hath she delivered, and there an end. (2.1.123-137)
She’s given you a reason, Speed has said; to do what? asks Valentine. I don’t understand. To be a spokesman from Madam Silvia, to speak on her behalf, as her ambassador, her go-between. But to whom? asks Valentine, again. To yourself (idiot), replies Speed. Why, she woos you by a figure: it’s a cunning plan, a witty game. What figure? I still don’t understand! wails Valentine. Well, not exactly a figure—meaning a number, a numeral—Speed clarifies: by a letter (as opposed to a number), I should say. Why, she hath not writ to me! Valentine replies, getting frustrated as well as bewildered. Speed tries to explain: what need she, why on earth would she need to write to you, when she hath made you write to yourself? why, do you not perceive the jest? have you really not worked this out? are you actually as stupid as you seem? No, believe me, says Valentine, I don’t follow at all. I’m so confused!! No believing you indeed, sir. I really didn’t realise that you were quite so dumb. But did you perceive her earnest? Did you get what she was aiming at (and also, do you think she was being serious)? She gave me none—earnest as pledge, promise—except an angry word. She got cross with me and left! I don’t understand girls, I really don’t. She did give you something: she hath given you a letter. Now it’s Valentine’s turn to explain something, patiently: that’s the letter I writ to her friend. It wasn’t for me! I thought she wanted it to pass on to mystery man, and she just gave it back to me all over again! And that letter hath she delivered, and there an end. THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT you cretin, you absolute banana. She got you to write the letter to yourself, and then delivered it to you. The letter was for you. That’s it, that’s the joke. You’ve written a love letter from Silvia to yourself. Surely the neat rhyming couplet will convince Valentine, and make him grasp the not especially elaborate trick that’s been played on him?