Enter Speed and Lance [with his dog Crab]
SPEED Lance, by mine honesty, welcome to Padua.
LANCE Forswear not thyself, sweet youth, for I am not welcome. I reckon this always, that a man is never undone till he be hanged, nor never welcome to a place till some certain shot be paid and the hostess say ‘Welcome’.
SPEED Come on, you madcap. I’ll to the alehouse with you presently, where, for one shot of five pence, thou shalt have five thousand welcomes. But, sirrah, how did thy master part with Madam Julia?
LANCE Marry, after they closed in earnest, they parted very fairly in jest.
SPEED But shall she marry him?
LANCE No.
SPEED How then? Shall he marry her?
LANCE No, neither.
SPEED What, are they broken?
LANCE No, they are both as whole as a fish. (2.5.1-15)
It’s Speed! And Lance! And CRAB! Some confusion about where they are: the folio text says Padua but emending to Milan makes sense, as that’s where Speed and Valentine are and where Proteus has just arrived and presumably therefore Lance (and CRAB) too. Welcome to—wherever, says Speed, which is enough for Lance to get going. Forswear not thyself, sweet youth—are you having a laugh? are you telling a fib?—for I am not welcome. Where’s he going with this? I reckon this always, that a man is never undone till he be hanged (it’s not over until it’s over, a man’s never completely finished, never completely down and out until he’s dead), nor never welcome to a place till some certain shot be paid and the hostess say ‘Welcome’. I won’t count myself welcome here until someone buys me a drink and the barmaid makes me welcome. Oh, come on, you madcap, enough of that, enough joking around; I’ll to the alehouse with you presently—I’ll buy you a drink myself, soon as you like—where, for one shot of five pence, thou shalt have five thousand welcomes. You’ll get a great welcome for a small outlay, sure enough.
But what about the news, the gossip from Verona? But, sirrah, how did thy master part with Madam Julia? How was the lovers’ leave-taking? Marry, after they closed in earnest—after they made solemn promises, came to an understanding as well as having a final extended snog—well, after that, they parted very fairly in jest. They were light-hearted! (Was Lance there? Was CRAB there, undercover, able to report back?) The main point of this exchange is reminding the audience of the scene of Proteus and Julia’s parting, in the context of Proteus’s change of heart, just witnessed. But shall she marry him? Nope. Speed is understandably confused, has another go: how then? shall he marry her? (a bit of sophistical play from Speed, to see if he can catch Lance out). No, neither. What, are they broken? Have Julia and Proteus, love’s young dream, split up? Speed is incredulous at the prospect. No, they are both as whole as a fish, not a scratch on them. (Apparently proverbial, but it has a nicely surreal quality to it here.)