SPEED            ‘Item. She is proud.’

LANCE            Out with that too. It was Eve’s legacy, and cannot be ta’en from her.

SPEED ‘Item. She hath no teeth.’

LANCE I care not for that neither, because I love crusts.

SPEED ‘Item. She is curst.’

LANCE Well, the best is, she hath no teeth to bite.

SPEED ‘Item. She will often praise her liquor.’

LANCE If her liquor be good, she shall. If she will not, I will; for good things should be praised.

SPEED ‘Item. She is too liberal.’

LANCE Of her tongue she cannot, for that’s writ down she is slow of. Of her purse she shall not, for that I’ll keep shut. Now of another thing she may, and that cannot I help. Well, proceed.           (3.1.317-329)

The comedy here (such as it isn’t) is partly in the increasingly miscellaneous list. She is proud; well, so are all women, it was Eve’s legacy, and cannot be ta’en from her. Out with it; not a problem, says Lance. It’s original sin. But also—perhaps more startlingly? or perhaps not? she hath no teeth. Lance is undaunted: I care not for that neither—no worries—because I love crusts. He’ll eat up anything that she can’t manage to chew. (A somewhat grotesque vignette, if a touching one.) She is curst, cussed, contrary, a shrew—well, the best is, she hath no teeth to bite. She won’t be able to do much damage, after all. She will often praise her liquor: praise here is test, try out, appraise; basically, she likes a drink. But Lance continues unfazed, and in fact quite approves of this one: if her liquor be good, she shall. (Probably scope for homophonic obscenity here?!) If she will not, I will; for good things should be praised. I like a drink too, so all’s good. But she is too liberal, generous, free and easy. Lance has a qualifier here: well, of her tongue she cannot, for that’s writ down she is slow of. It’s not that she’s too talkative, a chatterbox. And she won’t be able to be too liberal of her purse, spend too much, for that I’ll keep shut. But the mild suggestiveness of purse there sets up the next joke: now of another thing—yes, that thing—she may (be liberal, put it about a bit) and that cannot I help. She’s insatiable, and perhaps promiscuous—and there’s nothing at all I can do about it. (And maybe Lance isn’t complaining about that at all.) Well, proceed.

 Yes, there’s still more…