SPEED            ‘Item. She hath more hair than wit, and more faults than hairs, and more wealth than faults.’

LANCE            Stop there – I’ll have her. She was mine, and not mine, twice or thrice in that last article. Rehearse that once more.

SPEED ‘Item. She hath more hair than wit’ –

LANCE ‘More hair than wit’. It may be – I’ll prove it. The cover of the salt hides the salt, and therefore it is more than the salt. The hair that covers the wit is more than the wit, for the greater hides the less. What’s next?

SPEED ‘And more faults than hairs’ –

LANCE That’s monstrous. O that that were out!

SPEED ‘And more wealth than faults.’

LANCE Why, that word makes the faults gracious! Well, I’ll have her, and if it be a match, as nothing is impossible –

SPEED            What then?    (3.1.330-344)

Almost there… but first, a logic puzzle! She hath more hair than wit, and more faults than hairs, and more wealth than faults. Stop there! says Lance. I’ll have her. That settles it; she was mine, and not mine, twice or thrice in that last article, the pendulum swinging from yes to no and back again and again. Rehearse that once more. Run it past me again?

So. She hath more hair than wit. OK. OK. How to interpret this? it may be—I’ll prove it. The cover of the salt hides the salt, and therefore it is more than the salt. Salt is kept safe in a salt cellar, and so the salt cellar is worth more than the salt it contains. And so the hair that covers the wit is more than the wit, for the greater hides the less.  (But there is also an obscene joke here, probably, suggested by salt meaning lusty or lecherous, and wit as female genitalia.)

What’s next? And more faults than hairs—so, lots and lots, and many more faults than wit. That’s monstrous! A definite negative in the balance sheet. (And also monstrous because fault too—Crab is covering his ears in despair—can mean female genitalia and monstrous is suggesting menstruous.) O that that were out! that’s not good, I wish that weren’t on the list. And more wealth than faults. She’s rich. Why, that word makes the faults gracious! Money can cancel out most weaknesses, and turn them into advantages in fact! If she’s rich, it doesn’t matter how stupid she is, and I won’t care about any of her other faults either. Well, I’ll have her, and if it be a match, as nothing is impossible – If we can get together, and if it leads to marriage – and it could, it could…

What then? asks Speed. He could genuinely be agog, or else he could be weary, resigned to this endless quibbling, the dirty jokes. Not more, thinks Crab, please no, on the verge of waving a white flag and giving up…