LANCE                        I would have, as one should say, one that takes upon him to be a dog indeed, to be, as it were, a dog at all things. If I had not had more wit than he, to take a fault upon me that he did, I think verily he had been hanged for’t! Sure as I live, he had suffered for’t. You shall judge. He thrusts me himself into the company of three or four gentleman-like dogs under the Duke’s table. He had not been there –God bless the mark!– a pissing while, but all the chamber smelt him. ‘Out with the dog!’ says one. ‘What cur is that?’ says another. ‘Whip him out!’ says the third. ‘Hang him up!’ says the Duke.                       (4.4.8-17)

I would have, as one should say, one that takes upon him to be a dog indeed, to be, as it were, a dog at all things: in essence, Crab, if you’re going to be a dog, be a better dog. (Lance’s circumlocutions and qualifications, however, give it the quality of an existential cri de coeur.) But there’s more. If I had not had more wit than he—if I had been no more clever than a dog—to take a fault upon me that he did, to take the blame for one of Crab’s misdemeanors—I think verily he had been hanged for’t! I may well have just saved Crab’s life—again! (Dogs were indeed frequently hanged. Anything that Crab does at this point will please the audience, from supreme unconcern to a big sloppy lick to a soulful howl.) Yes, sure as I live, he had suffer’d for’t. He’d have been severely punished. You shall judge; look, this is what happened. He—Crab—thrusts me himself into the company of three or four gentleman-like dogs under the Duke’s table. There he was, hanging out with his betters—the play’s class obsession again, Crab is only doing exactly what Proteus has been doing—and why shouldn’t he sit at the Duke’s feet, waiting for scraps, just like those other dogs? All good. He had not been there—God bless the mark!, God love him, bless my soul—a pissing while… oh. Oh. This is where this is going. He’d only been there a moment, but, long enough to… Oh. But all the chamber smelt him out. It was quite clear that had happened, and everyone worked it out at once. ‘Out with the dog!’ says one. Get that bloody animal out of here! ‘What cur is that?’ says another—which dog did that? but also, implicitly, whose dog did that… ‘Whip him out!’ says the third. ‘Hang him up!’ says the Duke. Actual threats of violence against Crab! Desperate measures are called for.