POLONIUS      What is the matter, my lord?

HAMLET         Between who?

POLONIUS      I mean the matter that you read, my lord.

HAMLET         Slanders, sir. For the satirical rogue says here that old men have grey beards, that their faces are wrinkled, their eyes purging thick amber and plumtree gum, and that they have a plentiful lack of wit together with most weak hams – all which, sir, though I most powerfully and potently believe, yet I hold it not honesty to have it thus set down. For yourself, sir, shall grow old as I am – if, like a crab, you could go backward.           (2.2.190-201)

What is the matter, my lord, asks Polonius, meaning, what’s the book about, not just that it’s words words words; he’s also ironically answering the question to which he and the others most want the answer, what’s wrong with Hamlet? Between who? replies Hamlet, pretending that he thinks Polonius is describing the grounds of a quarrel, he might even look around as if for a fight—but Polonius continues, doggedly: I mean the matter that you read, my lord. What’s the book? that’s all, just making conversation, so pleased I started this… Hamlet’s on to the next thing; with faux sorrow or outrage he explains that he reads slanders, sir. Would you believe it? the satirical rogue says here (he might pat the book or beckon, do you want to see?) that old men have grey beards, that their faces are wrinkled, their eyes purging thick amber and plumtree gum, all rheumy and watery (really laying it on thick; he is of course describing Polonius, no matter what the book says, which is why trying to identify the book is pointless) and that they have a plentiful lack of wit together with most weak hams. Old men are fools with spindly legs, skinny, shaky thighs, no backside (he might as well be saying, and they’re impotent too). It’s shocking! All which, sir, though I most powerfully and potently believe—and it’s absolutely right (potently reinforces the implicit impotence of the previous phrase), yet I hold it not honesty—that word again—to have it thus set down. A bit rude, isn’t it, just to say it outright, wouldn’t you agree? even though it’s absolutely spot on as a description of, well, you? And then a bit of mad nonsense cum common sense to conclude: for yourself, sir, shall grow old as I am—one day you’ll be as old as me!—if, like a crab, you could go backward. Old man, old man, I have your measure, don’t try to catch me out. Another point to Hamlet.