LANCE Why then will I tell thee that thy master stays for thee at the North Gate.
SPEED For me?
LANCE For thee? Ay, who art thou? He hath stayed for a better man than thee.
SPEED And must I go to him?
LANCE Thou must run to him, for thou hast stayed so long that going will scarce serve the turn.
SPEED Why didst not tell me sooner? Pox of your love letters!
[Exit]
LANCE Now will he be swinged for reading my letter, an unmannerly slave that will thrust himself into secrets. I’ll after, to rejoice in the boy’s correction.
Exit (3.1.345-356)
Well, why then I will tell thee that thy master stays for thee at the North Gate. Your boss is waiting! He’s waiting for me? asks Speed, understandably nonplussed at this turn in the conversation, and at the message, after all this messing around. For thee? Ay, who art thou? For you? yes, and who do you think you are? He hath stayed for a better man than thee, waited for others far superior to you. Speed can’t quite believe it: and must I go to him? does he want me to go to meet him there? Thou must run to him, top speed, for thou hast stayed so long that going will scarce serve the term. Merely going won’t be nearly fast enough after this delay: run! run! Why didst not tell me sooner? Pox of your love letters! In the circumstances Speed’s reply is actually quite restrained: what the hell have you been playing at?
Lance is unmoved, and indeed full of schadenfreude. Now will he be swinged for reading my letter, soundly beaten for it, an unmannerly slave that will thrust himself into secrets. Serve him right for not minding his own business. I’ll after, to rejoice in the boy’s correction, follow him to laugh at his punishment.
And that, finally, is the end of the scene, which has begun with high drama and ended with this slightly off, cruel note of bathos. The action’s continuous, and it’s probably more jarring in its tonal shifts on the stage than on the page. It might, perhaps, be argued that Lance and Speed perform the betrayal by one friend (or at least fellow servant) of another, a mocking, low-stakes version of what Proteus has just done to Valentine. But mostly it’s just allowing Lance his comic set piece, with the catalogue of his girlfriend’s qualities.
Crab continues a very good boy and deserves all the treats.