LANCE I, having been acquainted with the smell before, knew it was Crab, and goes me to the fellow that whips the dogs. ‘Friend,’ quoth I. ‘You mean to whip the dog?’ ‘Ay, marry, do I,’ quoth he. ‘You do him the more wrong,’ quoth I. ‘’Twas I did the thing you wot of.’ He makes me no more ado, but whips me out of the chamber. How many masters would do this for his servant? Nay, I’ll be sworn I have sat in the stocks for puddings he hath stolen, otherwise he had been executed. I have stood on the pillory for geese he hath killed, otherwise he had suffered for’t. [To Crab] Thou think’st not of this now – nay, I remember the trick you served me when I took my leave of Madam Silvia. Did not I bid thee still mark me, and do as I do? When didst thou see me heave up my leg and make water against a gentlewoman’s farthingale? Did’st thou ever see me do such a trick?   (4.4.17-29)

I, having been acquainted with the smell before, knew it was Crab. Oh yes, I knew, an all-too-familiar smell. CRAB! And so I goes me to the fellow that whips the dogs. (There’s a vivid evocation here of Lance, happily seated with the servants or standing around the walls, suddenly catching a familiar whiff, an expression of horror on his face, as he looks for a particular member of the Duke’s household, a groom or manservant with responsibility for canine discipline, then hurries over.) ‘Friend’, quoth I—casual, not confrontational—‘You mean to whip the dog?’ Is that what you’re intending, just a request for information. ‘Ay, marry, do I’, quoth he. Yup. Laconic, uncompromising. Lance thinks fast. ‘You do him the more wrong’, quoth I. That’d be unjust! ‘’Twas I did the thing you wot of!’ It was me! I was the one who did the unmentionable thing, who pissed under the Duke’s dinner table! It was me! I confess! Absurd, obviously, but the dog-whipper clearly isn’t fussed, so long as someone’s seen to take the blame. And he makes me no more ado, and whips me out of the chamber. I take it, as he kicks me out of the dining hall and beats me. I take it. For Crab.

How many masters would do this for his servant? (More opportunities for Crab to show unconcern, affection, whatever—the audience will LOVE it.) Nay, I’ll be sworn I have sat in the stocks for puddings he hath stolen, otherwise he had been executed. I’ve taken the blame for his thefts, his purloining of sausages, and been punished for it. I have stood on the pillory for geese he hath killed, otherwise he had suffered for’t. I’ve taken the blame for his killing sprees, and saved his life through my humiliation. (Scope here for a montage of Crab’s delinquent past, more believable if Crab is a streetwise mongrel, more comic if Crab is an impeccably bourgeois cockapoo or lab.)

Oy, you. Crab. Pay attention. Thou think’st not of this now – nay, I remember the trick you served me when I took my leave of Madam Silvia. You’ve forgotten all about it, I bet, but I remember exactly what you did when I was saying goodbye to Madam Silvia. Oh yes. Did not I bid thee still mark me, and do as I do? Didn’t I tell you just to copy me in everything? Well, when didst thou see me heave up my leg and make water against a gentlewoman’s farthingale? Did’st thou ever see me do such a trick? Did you ever see me cock a leg and piss against a lady’s skirt? (Scope for a desperate gesture here.) Did you? I should think not. What have you got to say for yourself? Oh, CRAB. Is this how you repay me?