From ‘Pseuds Corner’ in this week’s Private Eye, citing a health spa advertisement:

“For £22, Groupon guests will be able to enjoy a two-pronged availing assault to smooth [sic] and sate the human form. The thoughtful therapists will help turn over a new page of person parchment with a moisturising exfoliation scrub before thoroughly kneading the mortal dough with a full body massage”.

Followed by a gruelling work-out for any metaphors that may lie hiding in your folds? I can’t wait!