VALENTINE    If she do frown, ’tis not in hate of you,

But rather to beget more love in you.

If she do chide, ’tis not to have you gone,

Forwhy the fools are mad if left alone.

Take no repulse, whatever she doth say:

For ‘Get you gone!’ she doth not mean ‘Away’.

Flatter, and praise, commend, extol their graces –

Though ne’er so black, say they have angels’ faces –

That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man

If with his tongue he cannot win a woman.                      (3.1.96-105)

If this is the sort of thing that Valentine has rehearsed with Proteus, it both explains a lot and suggests that neither of them should be allowed out alone for a good while yet. And it’s depressingly recognisable stuff. If she do frown, ’tis not in hate of you, but rather to beget more love in you. If she’s not being nice and sweet, but rather giving you the cold shoulder, suggesting she’s not interested—that’s just a ploy, it’s designed to make you even more persistent! And if she do chide, ’tis not to have you gone—she doesn’t really mean it if she tells you to leave her alone—forwhy the fools are mad if left alone. Women can’t stand not to be the centre of attention; she’s doing it to get your attention, to make sure you’ll stick around! Take no repulse, whatever she doth say, and whatever you do, don’t take no for an answer. If she says ‘Get you gone’, leave me alone, NO, she doesn’t really mean it, not go away: what she’s actually saying is, please don’t go, alright, YES. And with women, what you need to do is flatter, and praise, commend, extol their graces—tell her what she wants to hear, tell her she’s PRETTY (especially if she’s not, and especially if she’s clever)—though ne’er so black, say they have angels’ faces. If she’s a plain Jane (and making the customary, racialized opposition between black and fair, meaning both pale and beautiful in early modern discourse) then tell her she’s a real stunner.

Valentine finishes his inventory of swaggering, second-hand, rhyming-couplet-ed bro law with an aggressive flourish: what kind of man are you if you can’t get a woman to do what you want? That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman. Obviously tongue here is phallic and women only exist in order for men to prove their manliness and potency to each other in a way that’s not in the least homoerotic.

Cheer up, love, it might never happen. Give us a smile! You’d be quite pretty if you smiled!

Stuck up bitch.