SPEED            Why then, how stands the matter with them?

LANCE                        Marry, thus: when it stands well with him, it stands well with her.

SPEED What an ass art thou! I understand thee not.

LANCE What a block art thou, that thou canst not! My staff understands me.

SPEED What thou sayst?

LANCE Ay, and what I do, too. Look thee – I’ll but lean, and my staff under-stands me.

SPEED It stands under thee indeed.

LANCE Why, stand-under and understand is all one.

SPEED But tell me true, will’t be a match?

LANCE Ask my dog. If he say ‘Ay’, it will. If he say ‘No’, it will. If he shake his tail and say nothing, it will.

SPEED The conclusion is, then, that it will.             (2.5.16-29)

Speed tries again: why then, how stands the matter with them? what’s the state of play between Proteus and Julia? Marry—and there may be a satisfied smile at the appropriateness of the oath—thus: when it stands well with him, it stands well with her. Lance takes the sexual sense of stand, purely because he can, quibbling on stand as meaning to be erect: she likes it when he stands well, oh yes. Speed ignores this, and rightly so: what an ass art thou! stop fooling around, I understand thee not (picking up on stand); you’re making no sense. Lance is indefatigable: what a block art thou, that thou canst not! you’re an idiot if you can’t follow my drift—then he picks up block, idiot, as blockof wood, perhaps, to make a comparison with his staff, his walking stick. My staff understands me; it comprehends me, and it supports me. What thou sayst? What are you saying? But also, what, are you saying that your walking stick can follow what you’re saying? Come off it. Oh yes, ay, and what I do, too. Certainly it understands me. Look thee—I’ll but lean (on my stick) and my staff under-stands me. It stands under me. Geddit? It stands under thee indeed, replies Speed, perhaps somewhat wearily, or else because he hasn’t actually got the joke yet. Can we leave this now? But Lance wants to labour the point, just in case Speed hasn’t caught up: why, stand-under and understand is all one. Geddit?

Speed tries another tack. But tell me true, will’t be a match? Back to Proteus and Julia: do you think that they’re going to get married? Ask my dog, suggests Lance, tired of his punning, so it’s over to Crab. If he say ‘Ay’, it willdefinitely be a match. And if he say ‘No’, it will, likewise. If he shake his tail and say nothing, it will too. (This is equally funny whether Crab is a waggy dog or not, because if he offers a fourth option by doing nothing and ‘saying’ nothing, the question is still not resolved—except ironically, suggesting that in fact Proteus and Julia may not be a match.) Speed thinks he’s cracked it though: the conclusion is, then, that it will. All eyes are on Crab…