PHILOSTRATE [Gives him a paper.] There is a brief how many sports are ripe.
Make choice of which your highness will see first.
THESEUS [Reads.] ‘The battle with the Centaurs, to be sung
By an Athenian eunuch to the harp’?
We’ll none of that. That have I told my love
In glory of my kinsman Hercules.
‘The riot of the tipsy Bacchanals
Tearing the Thracian singer in their rage’?
That is an old device, and it was played
When I from Thebes came last a conqueror. (5.1.42-51)
Philostrate is all prepared—and presumably he’s been running elimination rounds, trials, auditions, some kind of screening process: there is a brief how many sports are ripe. Make choice of which your highness will see first. Here’s the options, all printed out; everything’s ready, the final decision and running order are up to you. What does the competition for Peter Quince and his troupe look like? What are the entertainment prospects for an Athenian wedding feast? (And, presumably, a bit of gentle satire of the Elizabethan options too, especially in learned, classically-minded circles; some of these sound a bit like university drama.) Top of the list: ‘The battle with the Centaurs—OK, sounds exciting—to be sung by an Athenian eunuch to the harp?’ Perhaps less exciting, not to say incongruous, all of those big hairy-chested centaurs being described in falsetto? We’ll none of that: Theseus is decisive. Not interested. (Poor Athenian eunuch, he’s been practicing for this for ages, hoping for his big break.) Theseus has a good reason, though: that have I told my love in glory of my kinsman Hercules. I’ve already told Hippolyta all about that—sang a bit, even—because, as you may know, I’m actually related to Hercules? Yes, that’s right. (And, actually, I won that battle against the centaurs. Yes, I did. Perhaps you didn’t realise that?) Option two: ‘The riot of the tipsy Bacchanals tearing the Thracian singer in their rage’? Like the centaurs, the drunken bacchantes sound promising, perhaps—lively, anyway, possibility of leopard-skin bikinis, even? (Demetrius and Lysander might look interested, and Hippolyta?) But, less festive, they’re performing the bit of the story where they rip Orpheus limb from limb and his head floats down the river, still singing. Not very—nuptial? That’s not Theseus’s objection though: that is an old device, and it was played when I from Thebes came last a conqueror. We’ve had that one before! (Apologies to all tipsy bacchante fans: a repeat performance is not going to be encouraged. And, it’s perhaps implied, do better Philostrate, or is that the best you can do?)
