PHILOSTRATE           A play there is, my lord, some ten words long,

Which is as brief as I have known a play.

But by ten words, my lord, it is too long,

Which makes it tedious; for in all the play

There is not one word apt, one player fitted.

And tragical, my noble lord, it is,

For Pyramus therein doth kill himself;

Which when I saw rehearsed, I must confess,

Made mine eyes water, but more merry tears

The passion of loud laughter never shed.   (5.1.61-70)

Philostrate is apologetic, supercilious, and perhaps panicking; he never thought Theseus might go for this one. (SO much scope for making Philostrate recognisable as a type, of critic, of thwarted theatrical impresario or actor or director: are you really going to do it like that?) A play there is, my lord, some ten words long, which is as brief as I have known a play—dismissive, exaggerated; also, it’s a trifle, too short even to consider; I’m the expert here, as you recognise. It’s just not serious work? But by ten words, my lord, it is too long, which makes it tedious; for in all the play, there is not one word apt, one player fitted. This is a more serious criticism, as well as being snide: as well as not being any good, it’s indecorous. Everything about it is wrong, the language, the casting, the production values. I’d be embarrassed were you to see it. And—now he’s dug himself into this hole, Philostrate keeps going, he’s GOT to stop Theseus seeing this, he never thought this was even a possibility—tragical, my noble lord, it is, for Pyramus therein doth kill himself. Yes. It’s tragical in that respect? Which when I saw rehearsed, I must confess, made mine eyes water, but more merry tears the passion of loud laughter never shed. This helps to remind the audience of the plot, that Pyramus must kill himself! with a scary sword! (but not really). This is Philostrate’s last throw of the dice: it’s just ridiculous, laughable, it made me laugh until I cried, and that was at the tragic bits.

Of course the more supercilious and dismissive Philostrate is, the more the audience–perhaps as well as Theseus, and the others–are on the side of Quince, Bottom, Flute, Starveling, Snout, and Snug.