THESEUS What are they that do play it?
PHILOSTRATE Hard-handed men that work in Athens here,
Which never laboured in their minds till now,
And now have toiled their unbreathed memories
With this same play, against your nuptial.
THESEUS And we will hear it.
PHILOSTRATE No, my noble lord,
It is not for you. I have heard it over,
And it is nothing, nothing in the world,
Unless you can find sport in their intents,
Extremely stretched and conned with cruel pain
To do you service. (5.1.71-81)
Theseus asks a reasonable question: what are they that do play it? (Is this an established troupe with a track-record of doing interesting experimental work? Are these influential courtiers we cannot afford to offend?) Philostrate confirms that, whatever his thespian credentials or genuine concerns, artistic or otherwise, he is also a snob: it’s AMATEUR. They’re hard-handed men that work in Athens here—one might generously call them a workers’ cooperative? but that would be over-selling it—which never laboured in their minds till now, they’re out of their depth, they just don’t know what they’re doing, no experience in anything other than, well, getting their hands dirty—and now have toiled their unbreathed memories with this same play, against your nuptial. Yes, they’ve obviously worked really hard on it, in ways they’re just not used to—brain work!—and they’ve prepared it specially for your wedding. That’s Philostrate’s error: whether Theseus is touched by this evidence of loyalty and the desire for well-wishing from the Athenian populace, or whether he just thinks that this is bound to be hilarious (the former is nicer), this decides it for him. And we will hear it. This is going to be our entertainment tonight, bring it on! Panic from the MC: no, my noble lord, it is not for you. Trust me on this. I have heard it over, and it is nothing, nothing in the world—it really is terrible, embarrassing, appalling—unless you can find sport in their intents, extremely stretched and conned with cruel pain to do you service. I mean, I guess you could laugh AT them, and at the fact that they’ve put all this effort in to do something for you? Philostrate is a petty snob—also worried that his job is riding on this?—so his last vain hope is that Theseus just wants to laugh at Quince et al, and the ridiculousness of them thinking that they could ever act a play before the Duke. Perhaps Theseus is bigger than that, perhaps he’s genuinely intrigued? And the other options aren’t sounding great. (Which was Philostrate’s pick?)
